When you look me in the eyes

我受够了等待你所谓的安排
说的未来到底多久才来
总是要来不及才知道我可爱
我想依赖而你却都不在
应该开心的地带你给的全是空白
一个人假日发呆找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的门外却一直都进不来
你累积给的伤害我是真的很难释怀
终于看开爱回不来而你总是太晚明白
最后才把话说开哭着求我留下来
终于看开爱回不来我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开宁愿没出息求我别离开

You realise all too late.....

I catch a glimpse of heaven

Im out everyday to meet my friends, to shop, to play mahjong, play basketball, to chill.. Everyday is occupied. I seem to have endless stuff to do, but the sad truth is i feel really empty. Espacially bloody empty when im home at night.

I have no goals at all, my only goal is to earn more money so that i can have another getaway trip next year. But i havent found any job yet. And im spending so much money. I really shouldn't. I must start to control my expenses.

Met renee for dinner yesterday and we shopped around fareast, bought her a bag as her birthday present. Hope she likes it..

'Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.'

I catch a glimpse of heaven

We played masak masak when he booked out yesterday. Went to the market, bought some ingredients to make tom yum soup, and it turned out delicious. We cooked together and he did the dishes after dinner. He stayed over the night at my place. I can totally picture myself as his life partner, but fate just has to play with us. I just cant seem to let go of this whole thing.

It's most girls dreams to find someone they love to spend the rest of their life with, someone who can provide the sense of security, someone who loves her as much as she loves him or more, someone who she can depend on, who is always there, who is willing to give in during the right time, someone who truely understands her. I've found the one, the one who i think has the above qualities and is willing to marry me, someone who has future plans with me. And look what 'good' things i've done to screw it up. I totally rejected it and messed it all up. I deserve all the pain.

We went to watch midnight movie at Cine, Red Cliff wasnt too bad. If you like war movies, this is a typical one, kinda enjoyed it, but it's to be continued. I'm kind of ashamed that fuad had to tell me China's history and not the other way round. But he seem to know everything. Thats what i like about him.

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I feel terrible to hurt you.. I dont deserve your love anymore, cuz i really broke your heart.. You've sacrifice enough for me. I cant take the pressure, from all the break ups to that time u left me at the bus stop to the time that u've changed for me to the time u have wedding plans with me to the time u wanna introduce me to your family, i cant cope with all the emotions. Itz my fault that i cant handle it anymore. I know that you love me, but itz a pity that you love your family and religion more then me. Its totally my fault that i cant share what u love most in your life with you. you're the best thing that has happened to me. I deserve all the pain that im feeling right now.

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I pierced my ear! For those who doesn't know, when i do piericing, it just means that im feeling terrible.. Yup, my life is pretty much in a mess still.. I know pretty much what i want, but doing what i want is painful, more painful then making the decision itself.

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I dont feel like pouring out my feelings.. Cuz if i do, it'll be flooding. I'm so numb and tired. For the time being, i choose to escape from reality, and dont think about it.

Anyway, today was the 8th SRJC basketball alumni. I'm so burnt again. Year after year i get burnt, but no one really bothers to bring sunblock lotion. Combining forces with deanna and a few seniors, we won 2 lost 3 games this year. We threw that so familiar orange ball with black stripes around, had some fun as usual and had a great dinner after that. The attendence is just so disappointing, its a known fact that every 3rd sunday of july is alumni, we already booked them one year ago, but some people just choose to absent themselves for whatever reasons they have. I can understand if you're overseas or have impt things to tend to, but the captain and vice captain didnt even bother to come and some just choose not even to reply. Results and Skills doesnt matter at all, its just to gather people who has the passion, a passion that they have or had once in a point of their lives, to gather with team mates who once went through thick and thin, ran like crazy and laughed like crazy.

I really really appreciate those who turned up. Thanks for making it once again a memorial day for me. And i laughed REAL hard during dinner today, i haven't been laughing so hard for months. Thanks for making my day during such a miserable period. Love you girls. Muack muack. And i didn't jiak bah.. haa..

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I'm sorry! I truely am!

I've been such a let down. Fate is playing with us. I feel like dropping dead.

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I'm in this faraway land. Thinking about what i've been doing for the past 1 year. I know im completely screwed. Picked up bad habits, doing stuff that fucked me up and screwed my relationship. I left everything behind, try to untangle some knots, and think of what i want and need in life. Out of sight, out of mind. And those things and people that i truely miss, are those that i really need in life. I hope i can leave the past behind and start over again.

Met a lot of new people during this trip, some of them are younger, who are still in that stage of being barely legal, wanting to try everything that they were not allowed to when they're in their parent's hands. Some are slightly older, telling me their stories, and i know i'm at the stage where i have to prioritise my life all over again.

On the lighter note, I'm enjoying my life right now and I want time to stop badly. Cuz i know, everything will be a routine once i'm back to 'reality'. I have another operation in Aug, then a new school term will start. Everything will go back to normal. BUt... I have a goal now though, which is to study hard and work hard for the next 1 year, so that i can save enough money to go for a graduation trip next year like the one i'm having now. I don't mind back packing cuz i really feel free right now. No worries, no burden, not needing to please anyone. I guess work and travel will be the best option. I'm aiming and will definately try and plan for it. Anyone wanna join me?

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I'm in scotland now. And i'll have internet access. I took so many pictures during the trip, i'll try to post them on facebook asap. Go check it out few days later. I miss everyone back home. I'll have so much to tell when i'm back.

random craving: I miss eating cup noodles.

I catch a glimpse of heaven

Im in Amsterdam right now~! Enjoying the time of my life. I went so many counties and cities, leart and saw so much stuff! I started off from london, then went to paris, then to switzerland followed by avignon, nice, cannes, monaco, pisa, florence, rome, vatican, venice, vienna, munich, dresden, berlin, prague and now amsterdam, tomorrow to belgium and then to scottland for 2 weeks and i'll be back to singapore. I'm missing all my friends and home, hot shower, my bed, the internet and chilling out with my buds. I've joined a 2 weeks camping tour which means, whichever city we go, we'll go to a campsite where we have to build our tents and stay in it. Some with bars, washing facilities, better ones have swimming pool etc etc etc. It's really a great experience, and i got to know a lot of new friends from different countries. I'm tapping on free internet now in a library i chance upon, so i'll update more when i go to scotland where i'll stay at my sis's hostel with free internet access.

I catch a glimpse of heaven