I didn't want to open my eyes coz when i do, you'll be gone.. you were there, beside me, hugging me real tight, kissing me the way we once did.. I could hear the joy in your voice and i could almost see the smile on your face.. I enjoyed that moment, every second of it.. It felt so familiar, the touch, the feeling--yet it was so far... You asked me to open my eyes, but i really didn't want to.. You pled me to let you go and i felt so pain inside.. And when i finally opened my eyes, in between those tears, i could see that you were gone.. that's when i finally accepted it.. It felt so pain, as though my heart was crushed into pieces.. there was when i realised that i have to let go..
Good-bye my dear, i will always love you, the way i did..I want to be happy, cuz that's the only way that i can make you happy.. and remember your promises..
I catch a glimpse of heaven
Happy 21st birthday Gwennie~~
Just came back from gwen's birthday chalet.. The moment i reached home, i found myself logging onto the bed.. i was totally KO.. Cuz renee was disturbing everyone and not letting us sleep until someone has to pin her down, until she doesn't have anymore energy to stuggle.. and that's when she stopped..
Had lots of fun with the girls at the chalet! The room was rather big and the bbq food was so great that i ate soooooo much and i'm feeling really guilty now.. We went cycling along the beach and played at the playground.. Looking at the little kids laughing and enjoying themselves, how i wish that i could be like them again.. They can play their hearts out, without any problems on their minds...
We went @scape too, that place is great, the last time i went was 5 years ago.. the place is much cleaner, and there's some new rides.. I got myself so giddy from taking the rides, but it was really fun.. The only fear i had was afraid that i would be flung out from the rides... haha.. But i rather take these rides 100 times then going into the hauted house again!! Actually its not that its very scary or something, i just doesn't like those gaustly stuff.. Then Gwen was so cool beside me, she even said excuse me to the 'ghosts' and pulled his hood, i think the 'ghost' was more shock at what gwen did to him then him scaring us.. then there i was, beside gwennie, with my eyes closed and my ears covered.. so contradicting!! 75% of the time i had my eyes closed in that thing.. I hate that!!
The chalet was great!! Had so much fun.. Itz just that something's inside me that i can't explain, i don't know why i just broke down in front of everyone, and that feeling sucks.. The chalet was also a shelter for me, to cover me from all my troubles.. And it did work...
I catch a glimpse of heaven
Isn't it supposed to be a sweet thing to fall in love, and for the person to love you back..?? I don't understand how complicated can this simple logic get, but it just happened to me..
I'm feeling right down under the pit.. No matter how hard i try acting in front of anyone, the cut in my heart is still there.. And it's really deep.. No matter how much tears i shed, the pain doesn't seem to get any lesser.. Can anyone understand how much pain there is inside us??
No matter what's to come, i'm happy that once in my lifetime i knew you...~ You shared my pain, and i shared your joy.. No matter how much we quarrel or how bad our relationship gets, there's just this magical power that gels us back perfectly together, as if it was never broken before.. No matter how unreasonable, how petty, how possessive i get, you will just close an eye and let it go.. No matter where we go, what we do, you never fail to make me laugh real hard with your kodomo, trojan, more birds more luck, etc,etc,etc jokes.. Whenever i think back on the little little dumb dumb things that we do, my spirits will be lifted...For the past 10 months, nothing was easy for us, but we still pulled through.. No matter how terrible the situation gets, somehow we were still together, well, you should know better then me why.. We've tried everything, every single little way to hold on.. We have practically nothing in common, just one thing that's common -- our hearts.. I love you! Like i always do..~ =)
We're still friends after all, and this might make us more lucky then many others..
I catch a glimpse of heaven
You'll never be free till the day you learn to let go,
Only till that moment you'll finally live ur life again
Open ur arms, let ur tears fall, submit ur life to fate
Dun complain, dun grumble,
Juz walk it thru once n for all.
Forever I will think of you
Forever I will care.
Forever I'll remember
All those times we shared.
I've tried to forget you
But I couldn't dare;
Although you broke my heart;
In the broken pieces,
you are still there...
Forever is too long a time.
I have to accept you are no longer mine.
Will forever one day end?
Will my torn heart ever mend?
I hope one day I can say...
Forever just finished- yesterday!
I catch a glimpse of heaven
I wonder if you understand the pain in me..
I catch a glimpse of heaven
I had a great dinner at Marina Bay with deanna grace jas gwen ruiyi renne huili and joce.. The food was great though i had dirrhoea when i reached home.. We kept making dumb dumb jokes and taking dumb dumb photos with crabs, prawns.. And scaring each other with dumb dumb cockroacks.. It was really farnie to see how people scream and jump off their feet when they're pranked with cockroaches.. Hee.. The best part is that those cockroaches doesn't really exist except for 1 or 2 real ones..
We thought we needed some exercise after the buffet, so we walked all the way from marina bay all the way to city hall.. Some of the paths was really dirt dark.. And all we could hear was screams of the girls walking behind us.. haa...
Really had lots of fun that day, and i laughed from my heart.. which is something that i can hardly do nowadays.. hope to meet with you all more often~~ Hee.. =)
I catch a glimpse of heaven
Come on lar.. dun ask me what you can make for your boyfriend for your monthsary can..? it's such a wrong thing to do now.. It only brings back memories to me.. I feel like i'm playing a game now, and i feel i'm gonna lose soon.. It's draining me out... All that i can see is my eyesbags growing bigger everyday...
Someone told me: There's bound to be things that make you happy each day, don't just think of the bad stuff, think otherwise, it will make your life happier...
I tried, to find the happy stuff from everything that's happening around me everyday.. i try to hang out with my friends more often, to dig out some happiness insde me.. i try to 4get about the whole thing.. ya.. and i did have lots of fun when i'm with my buddies.. but somehow when the reality set back in.. i'll fall into depression again and i'm not happy at all...
I know i'm dumb doing what i'm doing and I have no idea why i'm so good at making myself miserable~ wierd...~
All we have inside us is frustration, questions that no one can answer, fear, tiredness, and a relationship that both of us can't put down..
I catch a glimpse of heaven
My gastric hurt like hell today, even after i ate, and i have no idea why.. Btw, i went bugis to meet gwen and leanne for dinner coz i was sooooooooooooo bored at home.. Wanted to go catholic high to watch bball match, but i was too lazy to drag myself out of the house, coz i was so hungry and the weather was so freaking hot in the afternoon.. Anyway, back to dinner.. I ate so much!! I finished a bowl of tom yam noodle soup+dessert+ice tea at 'simply thai'.. But honestly the food there is quite nice.. Then i ate 2 tea-eggs when i reached home.. I think my cholesterol level shoooooot up tonight..
There are so many things that i can't do.. I can't even control who i am, what i want.. Sometimes it's not that im able to face the problem then i can solve it.. There are things that i can't change, like my race, and i can do nuts about it.. I can't make someone accept me, i can't change someone's mentality, i can't change how they think.. So what am i supposed to do?? I don't want to submit my life to such an ending.. we've tried fighting for it, we've tried everything, tried so hard to do what we can.. Everytime we go out, i'm so afraid that we might get caught and everything might repeat itself.. I really feel so lost nowadays.. I'm so scared that i will run out of energy to fight on, but I don't want that day to come.. coz i really treasure you a lot.. A lot~
There are people who i really want to thank for giving me advices, say things that make me feel better.. And of course to those who have been accompanying me these days.. I wouldn't survive without you all... You know who you are.. And i really appreciate you all... MuackZ
I catch a glimpse of heaven
Supposed to play basketball on Sunday with the refs... But i'm still too weak to exercise.. It's been long since i've played basketball, hands soooo itchy now... And i somehow feel like exercising! But still, i went sbc early in the morning to meet some of them for lunch, then went chilling at coffee bean at paya lebar.. And what's new other then deanna embarrasing herself in the public?? Actually nothing much lar.. all she did was to use her big duffle bag and knock over the table at coffee bean, and the table just flipped over and landed with a loud bang.. Everybody in the shop just stopped what they're doing and look at her... Oppppsssssss~~~ haha... We went back to sbc to watch division1 bball matches later in that day.. Really had lotsa fun with gwen deanna geace jasmine and leanne that day.. All we did is crap, crap and more crap...
I know i'm old enough to think what's best for me.. And i'm pretty sure what's right and wrong, but i'm in such a mess that my brains can't really function properly.. My brain is telling me one thing but my heart is telling me another.. I thought i've made up my mind, but just one word, one word from you, changes my mind.. I'm totally under your control, please don't say you love me one day and decide that we're not meant for each other tomorrow.. I'm so unclear of what i'm doing now, I don't know how long this will last before everything turns nasty again.. I have absolutely no idea what the future will be, I might look back to find what i'm doing now silly, but for now, this moment, i think it's worth it..
I catch a glimpse of heaven
If you are wondering where have i been lately.. I was in the hospital again for the past 11 days.. lucky me.. The doctors poked so many holes in my arms.. ouch!! The first doctor tried 3 times before he can pathetically take a few drops of blood from my tiny vains.. The the drip alone i was poked 4 times.. This is definately not fun! I had a tube poked right into my kidney from my side to drain urine.. and i was awake while they did the procedure.. It's not that painful while they put it in.. It's just the thought that's horrible... But now, i'm well again!! I miss everyone... Eating ban mian and pooling... I miss roaming around orchard road doing nothing... and playing basketball with the crazy bunch.. Haa.. I wanna meet up soon!!
It still hurt.. alot!! The pain that i get from all those poking is nothing compared to this.. It just hurt like hell to accept the fact that you love me yet you are giving up our love.. It doesn't seem like what the fuad that i know will do, the one who never says die.. It's so hard to know that you are leaving me.. Feels ike a part of me is leaving.. Maybe itz because i depended on you too much back then... I've tried so hard and i've put in that much and this is the ending that i've got to face.. It feels like i've got nothing left, i can't even keep the person that i love.. I just feel like a loser... I don't know what i should do now.. I still don't know how to talk to anyone about my heartache now, i know i will breakdown when i do so.. I wanna be strong, I don't want anyone to see me in tears..
Part of me want to let it go, but part of me says that i can't.. I'm very bu gan xin about it, as in, this is what i get from what i've put in.. Can you give me any suggestions what i can do??
I catch a glimpse of heaven